Apologies

April 6, 2017 01:04 pm Compassion: 31   

I am sorry, my mother. You did the best you could in an impossible situation: multiple miscarriages, an abusive husband, a crippled child. it was not your fault you could not give me what I needed. You couldn't give me what you didn't have, and you'd never had unconditional love. You were ashamed of me, you were disappointed, you felt guilty and powerless, and still you cared for me as best you could. And now I'm 68, and you are 90, in a home for Alzheimer's patients, and we are many miles part. I have not been in touch with you for over 2 years. The last time we talked you didn't remember who I was, and the conversation caused you distress. I don't want to distress you so I stay away, but I think of you often and I wish for you gentle peace, free of pain. I'm sorry I was such trouble for you, it was not my fault nor yours. I hold you in my heart.

March 30, 2017 02:11 pm Compassion: 27   

I'm sorry for any hurt I have caused you. I did not know and still do not know what you need, how you tick, how you hurt. Addiction is a frightful thing. I can see that, the pain must be so so hard, the need to escape desperate and overwhelming. I am truly sorry that as a sister and as part of a family we just did not know what to do. It's certainly hard to have compassion when you are angry. That's what happened for me. I was and still am angry at you and I know we don't have the connection to be able to talk about this. I do feel sorry. So sorry that your life has been so painful. Very truly sorry that I don't have the capacity to be there for you. You see I am full of that hurt too. I am sorry this is how it is.

March 25, 2017 02:53 pm Compassion: 27   

I apologize to all the people in my life who have tried to get close to me, or to spend time with me. I'm sorry for pushing you all out while I hid in my hole, numbing out the pain. I'm sorry for resenting you all for being happy when I felt so angry. And I'm sorry for depriving myself of love.

March 20, 2017 08:20 pm Compassion: 25   

What a teacher you have been in my lifetime? And oh how I have resisted awakening. Surely we chose to suffer together somehow...for the sake of the holy experience of living life in its messyness and beautiful agony. Surely tomorrow, I will be back asleep tomorrow and creating suffering for myself again, feeling alone and seeing you as my reason. I am sorry dearest teacher and beloved. May you find the deepest peace in this lifetime. May you reach your highest desires. May you be free forever.

March 19, 2017 05:41 pm Compassion: 30   

Dad, I wish to apologize for anything I did that hurt you. Our relationship was rocky from my early teen years until you death at age 80. I tried many ways to get closer to you, but never found the key to your heart. I wish it had been successful because I really did/do love you. All I ever wanted was your approval and it never came. I am sorry I disappointed you in choosing to live my life in a way you did not understand or approve of. I failed to make you see that I was happy and still am. I realized after much prayer and meditation, you suffered so much loss in your life that it affected you in profound ways. Losing both parents before age 13, losing your wife at age 48 and being left with six children at home, these could not have been easy. You came from "the Greatest Generation", whose men were taught to hide their emotions. All that loss, and no outlet could not be healthy. I still think of you often and wish we could have connected better on this plane. That was not to be. Please forgive me , Dad, and know that I really love you. Your eldest child and loving daughter.

March 17, 2017 09:19 pm Compassion: 24   

I am sorry that I created pain and anger for you. I felt abandoned. I still do. I can't shake it and I don't know if I will and I keep behaving in ways trying to tolerate it. Maybe it's about my previous experiences, or at least the intensity of this experience comes from previous experiences and I wish I were able to let you off the hook easier and let go. I am trying to understand that "my only true belongings are the consequences of my actions". I am just haunted daily by what happened between us and that resolution never came. It is also painful that the hope of us never came. I'm stuck in a well of sadness, fatigue, and isolation. I will get out eventually and be moving on, as life does. It's just hard to believe that this experience had no purpose, and no sense-making. I'm sorry I wasn't my best for you. I hope you know you are loved, admired and desired. Be well.

February 12, 2017 01:06 pm Compassion: 28   

When we met it was so beautiful at first, I felt a connection that was so special, like literally meeting my other half, in a way I never really have before. But little by little I became greedy with you and all of my neurosis started coming out, and even though you tried your best to stay I still treated you so badly, mainly because I wasn't able to let go and focus on what was best for you. There's no point blaming now, in a way I know it wasn't either of us fault, we both wanted to be happy but we were both complicated. But for what it's worth I am so sorry for the pain I caused you from my confusion. I am trying to be gentle and brave with myself and have kindness for myself in this situation because I couldn't help who I am and I struggled so much. I want that kindness to then touch you and who you are, the parts of you that caused me so much pain. I hope we can forgive each other, I see that it's possible for something beautiful to come from our car crash still, maybe not quite what I was hoping for, but something that's open to grace

February 2, 2017 07:02 pm Compassion: 23   

The truth is that I don't even really think of you that much. After what I did, betraying you, failing my responsibilities and then blaming you, I am not reminded of it often and it sits with you unresolved, confusing, totally demoralized. I know this and I really just want you and it to go away so I can go on with my life. but it was my behavior and my responsibility...to keep you safe, to handle it, to take responsibility for it. I just didn't want to and I didn't. I am sorry that you have to hold and carry it for me. If you didn't I wouldn't be able to forget about it and live carefree as I do. I should have and still should ask for help but I am too scared. I am just sorry and this is the best I can do.

January 22, 2017 01:23 pm Compassion: 37   

I am sorry Mom. Sorry I do not have the strength to stay close. Sorry my heart has been hard and unforgiving. I am sorry that I see your pain and must act to protect my own self, my own boundaries, from Dad. I'm sorry I am not completely cgood. I am sorry for lying. Exaggerating. Hiding. I am sorry for not always having the courage to speak my truth; to have my outsides match my insides. For this, I am sorry to my self. For repeated daily betrayals, driven by fear and smallness. Fear you will leave me. When I've already left myself. I'm sorry for not even wanting to connect with myself because I'm scared to know what I will find. I'm sorry for being so harsh inside. Cruel with high standards. Which seep onto all those close to me. I'm sorry for giving up. I'm sorry for my vast sense of self-importance and blindness to my surroundings.

January 17, 2017 11:17 am Compassion: 31   

I am sorry for not seeing people as they are. I am sorry for not accepting them just as they are, I am sorry that I have been looking for imperfeƧtion in people around me and aimed at fixing it. I am sorry that I have done the same to myself or mostly to myself. I never have seen the greatness in me, and looked for the imperfection to fix, I have never accepted any compliment and not given any sincere complement either as i have not considered myself or anyone else for that matter, a worthy one. I had assumed if I am not perfect, all the compliments are just statemnet to help the compliment giver taking advantage of me. I apologize to myself, I am sorry and will let it go

January 14, 2017 11:31 am Compassion: 26   

I am sorry for not seeing people as they are. I am sorry for not accepting them just as they are, I am sorry that I have been looking for imperfeƧtion in people around me and aimed at fixing it. I am sorry that I have done the same to myself or mostly to myself. I never have seen the greatness in me, and looked for the imperfection to fix, I have never accepted any compliment and not given any sincere complement either as i have not considered myself or anyone else for that matter, a worthy one. I had assumed if I am not perfect, all the compliments are just statemnet to help the compliment giver taking advantage of me. I apologize to myself, I am sorry and will let it go

January 13, 2017 04:43 pm Compassion: 33   

I am sorry I hold resentment toward D for choosing to stay away from me. I am sorry I have called my mother by her first name when I know it really hurts her. I am sorry I lose my patience with her. I am sorry I lose sight of how fortunate I am. I am sorry I waste time escaping by binge watching. I am sorry to myself for hiding and being so ashamed of my bipolar diagnosis. I am sorry that I have scared my loved ones when I have been manic. I am sorry for not being able to connect with my loved ones when i am depressed. I am sorry for judging my loved ones for not being able to support me when I am not well. I am sorry that I don't feel completely sincere in my apologies. I am sorry for holding on to my hurt. I am sorry for getting so mad at the waiter last night. I am sorry I have not given as much to my grandmother as she has given to me. I am sorry when I give up. I am sorry I don't allow myself to be who I am. I am sorry when I don't take care of myself. I am sorry for not knocking on my brother's door that one time when we were teenagers and embarrassing us both. I am sorry for risking the chance to have children.

January 12, 2017 05:47 pm Compassion: 25   

I apologize for being s difficult person. I apologize for the many times I've caused other people pain.

January 8, 2017 02:48 pm Compassion: 33   

I am so sorry beloved mother that I was not a better daughter to you during your life and am filled with sorrow that I did not support you in a more loving way during your passing.

January 8, 2017 02:35 pm Compassion: 38   

In a new light, with an awakened heart for the first time I apologize to you my dear daughter after 25 years almost. I apologize that I was not a good mother. I apologize that I didn't know what does it mean to be a mother. I am sorry that I was scared to hold you when you were a new born and didn't know how to breast feed you. I apologize that I had to leave you in daycare when you were only three months to go back to work. I am sorry that I was missing you but didn't want to show how much I love you, I apologize for hiding my emotions so you become detached so you don't miss me. I am sorry for being so stupid to teach you that a strong woman is a woman who has no emotion. I apologize my leaving your father when you were only ten if you felt I am leaving you. I apologize for not being able to show you, it is not you that I leave behind, I apologize that I kept my emotion to myself so much so you thought I am better off without you. I apologize that in last twelve years I have not succeeded to reach your heart. I apologize that I cried in hidden but kept showing a strong image so you grow strong. I apologize for not being there when you graduated from high school, when you graduated from university. I apologize in tears that I am able to go on living a life while there is no day that i don't think about you. I am sorry if you got a wrong lesson that, it is possible to be a mother and live without your child. I am sorry baby, I am sorry. I miss you and wish that my words somehow travel and reach your heart and that in your heart you forgive me and come back to my arms. I have missed you for too long, too much

January 1, 2017 04:42 pm Compassion: 24   

As the new year just began and as a new start in my life, I need to apologize to all the sentient beings on this planet May we all live in peace and love.

December 30, 2016 08:12 pm Compassion: 32   

I am sorry, Aidan, for not being there emotionally for you in your first 11 years. I am sorry I was not able to be the mother that you needed. I will be here for you from now on and do the best I can. I love you.

December 24, 2016 06:12 pm Compassion: 30   

Forgive me Jean for walking out on you all those years ago. I deeply pray that you will find the peace in your heart. My loving thoughts are with you.

December 23, 2016 09:56 pm Compassion: 26   

Please forgive me H and J my dearest son for interfering in your relationship. I am so sorry for not supporting you enough, for not understanding you enough, for not loving you enough. Please forgive me God.

December 20, 2016 07:39 am Compassion: 28   

I apologize to my mother, the universe and all sentient beings, seen and unseen, that I have limited understanding, fears and unskillfulness that I can only offer limited support to my mother who is now crossing the portal of death. Please forgive me for all of the resentment, anger, fear and unskillfulness with which I related to her during this life. She is now in pain, lonely, vulnerable. She is delicate and as a baby, translucent as she sheds her links to this life. Dear God, please let me learn what I was to learn through my time with her. Please let me give her all that is needed. Please let her feel loved, whole and at peace. Dear God, hold and comfort her in your arms forever and may we realize our true nature, love of all beings. Thank you for hearing my plea.