November 8, 2021 02:08 pm
Bullied as a kid both at school and at home, I ended up with a lot of anger. I took that anger out mostly on relative strangers. I was very lucky that I never injured anyone physically as I acted out my road rage. But I hurt many people emotionally. I scared them. I enraged them. I was awful. Eventually I overcame my tendency to road rage, but I never overcame being abusive to strangers, often over the phone, when I felt they weren't listening or didn't care or couldn't help me or were incompetent. All of those things triggered me and I was mean. There were periods in my life where it didn't happen very often and then during periods of greater stress/loss/fear, I was too often harsh, angry, even sadistic in what I said to others when triggered. I cannot begin to convey the burden of regret I feel for these instances where I acted so badly, where I hurt others, stole from them their equilibrium, their good mood, their sense of adequacy, their sense of self worth...I live with this regret everyday and yet, since menopause, I find it harder and harder to control my anger. It's right there ready to pounce. I'm not angry all the time. I don't lash out without a trigger, but I have too many triggers. I thought I loved myself, had worked hard over the years to learn to love myself. I have been resilient after painful losses, even trauma. But now it feels like my heart has closed up, shrunk, or been insulated. I can't feel joy or awe or adoration or love like I used to, but the anger and rage are right there. I'm in a battle with myself, between my ego and my soul, to overcome the judgment I use to condemn overs, the anger and rage I use to hurt them and I judgment and shame I use to hate myself for it. I'm so sorry to each person I have harmed! I would take it back if I could. In writing this it occurs to me to begin a practice of sending loving-kindness to all those I have hurt. I am so sorry for what I took from you, for what I said to you, for how I made you feel. I ended up being a bully after hating bullies! I'm so sorry. I carry the weight of what I have done. I pray for forgiveness, self-forgiveness, so that I can break the cycle and end the pattern. I wish I could name you all, everyone individually -- I'm sorry I can't -- but please know it was my fault, you didn't deserve to be treated that way, and I am so sorry!
September 4, 2021 06:29 pm
I am sorry grandma that I didn't realize how much you loved me and cared for me. And that I did never thank your for that. I think of you often and I regret that I was not there for you more when you needed support.
July 26, 2021 06:23 pm
I am sorry that I have demanded perfection of myself and others.
June 27, 2021 07:23 pm
I am sorry it has taken me 4 years, and I still have not been able to contact you. I needed your support in my grief, and while I know I did not say things perfectly, I did not deserve your shaming email. Even though I know who you truly are, I understand your reaction, and I forgive you, I am having a hard time speaking my truth and standing up for me. This is why I cannot contact you. I want to apologize, explain, and stand up for what I need too (when I usually just apologize and take responsibility for it all). I am sorry I have not been able to tell my dad that I can no longer listen to him bad mouth my mom. I feel like my inability to speak my truth again, it somehow condoning his behavior and betraying my mom. I am sorry for when I was a child, and I could not speak my truth - and stood by my friend graffitiing racial slurs. Even after all my years work in racial justice, this still brings about full guilt and regret. I am sorry for how my grief of childlessness and singleness (post divorce) has pushed away so many people I love. I am sorry for how much time and energy I have spent in grief and jealousy, and yearning for ease, rather than enjoying what is. I am sorry for not trusting God, Great Spirit, Universe, Life, because I have had so much loss and trauma in one lifetime. I am sorry I couldn’t value myself enough that I stayed with an ex boyfriend, a narcissist, and couldn’t see it more clearly. I forgive myself for becoming reactive and at times enraged when in this relationship. I am sorry for the ways my mother triggers me, so profoundly. How deeply reactive I can get when feeling unseen and unheard by her. I know she does not have the ability to go there, yet I want it anyway. I am sorry to my brother, who has had a really hard life, that I cannot be more of a support to you, because of the depth of my wounds from you. I want you to have that support, even if I cannot give it to you. I am sorry to my ex-husband for over relying on you, for comfort, connection, and security. I am beyond grateful for your support - and feel like I put too much pressure on you. I am sorry to my niece and her husband who I cried when they announced their pregnancy. While I am thrilled to death for y’all, I still grieve for my own disenfranchised loss - and was not in the right space to hear it well that day. I felt so guilty when the baby didn’t make it - and I have prayed and prayed and wished and hoped for great healing for you - even when I cannot be part of it like I wished I could.
June 9, 2021 12:58 pm
I am so very sorry to myself for having internalized the abuse and trauma my alcoholic father inflicted on me as an infant and childhood. I interpreted his abuse and rejection as a reflection on me. I carried his energy as a rejection of myself and believed myself to literally be a "mistake". . . and that I wasn't even supposed to be on the planet.
At 58 I'm finally beginning to realize, understand and own the truth that I am inherently good. And, that the experience I went through as a child can be used to help others who feel "less than" on this planet for whatever reason.
I apologize to myself for allowing myself to live from a place of anger, fear, sadness, shame and guilt. These feelings I obeyed relentlessly. As a result, I have many regrets in my life for not having truly lived. That said, I forgive myself for living this way all these years as well.
It is time now to not only extend this apology to myself, but to accept it at the core of my very being. I want to internalize the apology (and self-love) I have for myself so that it becomes rooted in my very DNA.
I pray for the grace to live the rest of my life in a role of self-love, compassion and acceptance. I also pray that I use all my experiences I've had in my life to be of service to others. In particular, I will be a "goodness sherpa" that helps individuals find the inherent goodness that truly resides in them. . . in each of us.
Thank You for listening to me.
Thank You for this site!
May 27, 2021 05:07 pm
I am deeply sorry for treating my small brother the way I did in childtime. I judged him for his interests, his behaviour, for him being as he was. Only because my mind was so conditioned. He was suffering from so much lack of love and I took part in it. I am so painful sorry for this kind of lack of love which was so deeply hurting a beautiful child. I wish you so much grace and strength and god's blessing for healing. May you be filled with love for finding your way and being your beautiful soul
May 27, 2021 04:47 pm
I am sorry for treating my friends in teenager time so bad. I wanted them close and then I pushed them away.
May 19, 2021 04:01 pm
I am sorry Kelly for having abandoned you on your death bed.
May 17, 2021 08:56 pm
I’m sorry for always being so mean to myself. I tried my best to save my abusive father. I couldn’t save him.
A couple years later I tried my best to save my abusive ex. I couldn’t save him. I failed yet again.
I hate myself but I don’t want to.
I did what I could and I want to forgive myself. I did what I thought was right at that moment.
May 10, 2021 08:57 am
Dad, I'm sorry that, since mom died last year, I haven't been able to open my heart to you as much as I wish I could. I'm sorry that I find talking with you so heavy and saddening that I fear even beginning discussing your anger and sadness. I've worked so hard to make space in my heart for my own healing but I struggle to make space in my heart for yours. When your first son died (my brother died 25 years ago), I watched you and mom grieve openly together and support each other while I struggled and became everything to everyone. This made me what I am today and I am sorry.
May 4, 2021 09:11 am
I am sorry for all the ills in our relationship and my part in those. And I'm sorry for the deep-seated anger, ill will, and lack of forgiveness I've harbored toward you for so much of our lives. Please forgive me.
I see more now that you and I both were affected by the troubles in our upbringings, and then family lineage itself--maybe down to the level of DNA--plus perhaps other lifetimes as well. It feels sad that we couldn't be to one another what we might've been. Yet it seems this was the best we could do, with the longstanding pain, hurt, fear, ignorance, and confusion within us, our family, our society, and more.
It still feels hard in ways to forgive, yet I think I do forgive you, at least in some good measure, and myself as well, overly self-critical as usual. Added growth needed certainly, yet so much more of forgiveness in place than years ago. I will keep on with this, and with the larger process of releasing blame, shame, and guilt toward myself, you, and everyone else.
So I wish you peace, healing, and whatever you might need for well-being. May we both be released. May we both awaken and be who we really are.
Thank you for the ways you were my teacher and enriched my life, for all the gifts you gave me, which I was often unwilling to admit. Then the song "Moment of Forgiveness" by the Indigo Girls comes to mind, and I think, "May this be a moment of forgiveness."
All good to you, and blessings. That for us all.
"May all beings be free." You and I, too.
April 19, 2021 09:20 am
I am sorry to all those in my life who I have shut out through my own inability to trust. I’m sorry to my parents, who I push away. I’m sorry to my ex husband for not being mature enough to mend our relationship. I apologise to myself for not letting me relax into my life and own it, so that I can link authentically with others. I’m sorry that love has not been able to flow.
April 11, 2021 06:34 pm
I'm sorry for wanting so much from you at times & for not allowing you to be yourself & do things at your own pace. I can't help but feel that I'm the reason you're so overwhelmed & anxious. I don't know how to help you, but I'm trying to be present & keep my heart open.
April 6, 2021 11:08 am
Dear Mom and Dad,
I am sorry I did not return "home" to after my husband died. That I didn't offer to care for you in your later years. I am so appreciative of your giving me life.
I love you.
April 6, 2021 08:58 am
Dear Dad, I am sorry that you passed away without ever feeling a hug from me, and more so, I am sorry that I never reached out for a hug from you. I am sorry that I was waiting for you to bridge the gap that formed between us and never took action. I am sorry that you suffered so terribly for the two years before your death. I am sorry that I kept turning away from you. I am sorry that the resentment I harboured for your fathering got in the way of my love for you. I am sorry I never got a chance to talk to you; I mean, really talk to you. I am sorry, Dad, that you had a hard life growing up as a child and that I could not find the empathy and acceptance that you did the best you could. I am sorry that you are gone.
March 19, 2021 09:47 am
To my children - I am so sorry this pandemic has turned me into such a horrible mother. I'm sorry that I don't know how to adequately balance the stressors in my life and take it out on you. I'm sorry I snap at you, yell at you, get frustrated by you, and in the moment, I can't see you for the beautiful, creative, inquisitive children that you are. I'm sorry I'm so exhausted that the answer is always "no, not right now" ...and later never comes. I'm sorry for every groan and sigh I make when I hear you call my name, ask for help, or ask for a snack. I'm just so very sorry. I am most sorry for the yelling...I'm sorry I let the chaos around me create chaos inside me. I'm sorry I shut you down with "mommy's working right now" each time you try to engage with me. I am frustrated, embarrassed, and sorry that I can't help you with your second-grade math assignments while we are stuck in distance learning. I'm sorry for it all- the frozen meals we eat most nights because I'm too tired to cook, all my anxiety spilling out of me and onto you, the blame I place on you for things outside of your control, and that when I have a rare moment of downtime, I'd rather zone out on my phone than spend time playing with you. I'm sorry that I let pride stand in my way of accepting help from my mother-in-law because I don't want to look like a failure when I very much need the help. Girls, I love you so very much and my heart breaks nightly when I think back on all the ways I could have been a more patient, loving mother to you both.
March 19, 2021 09:46 am
You have been gone for 12 years and i
March 16, 2021 02:46 pm
I am sorry, for running away from our marriage and our bond. I am sorry I didn't see that I was afraid, that I was running, that I was in survival mode and that I projected that on you and our relationship. I am sorry I doubted your love for me, because I couldn't love myself enough. I am sorry I told you, you were not doing anything and blaming you for my running. I am sorry I betrayed both you and me, by doing so. I am sorry I lost you, sorry for my own heart, that I denied love by running away from our marriage. I am sorry I didn't trust you.
I am sorry I created just that, which I never wanted for our son. I am sorry I hurt you, by running into the arms of a woman, and telling you I finally found love. I am sorry, I hurt you.
I love you. I love our son. I love the wounded inner child in me. And I love the adult me, that sees what she has done.
I am sorry I undervalued myself, all this time. I am sorry I sabotaged my life and love, by not believing I was worthy. I am sorry I had to loose so much, before I could see that. I am sorry I fought you and myself, because I believed I wasn't worthy of partnership. I seek forgiveness. Of you. But most of all, of myself. Of God. I love you.
March 14, 2021 11:54 am
To my dearest lover who I resisted leaving in his mental illness and addiction. I am sorry I didn’t have anymore energy within to stand by you and help you in the way you needed. I am sorry that you felt the weight of the world and unsupported by me. I am sorry I didn’t have the financial means to give back to you like you did for me. I am sorry I blamed you for people taking advantage of your giving nature. I am sorry I didn’t understand what was inside you and the grief you have carried throughout this lifetime. I am sorry I abandoned you and didn’t have the tools to support you in healing yourself. I am very sorry for the belittling remarks I made to you in order to make you feel inferior. I am sorry I hurt your son and tried to pit you against him. I am sorry for pressuring you to be with me and divorce your wife at the time. I am sorry for my selfishness and misspeaking about things I wasn’t sure were factual. I am sorry for criticizing your mother or your father. I am sorry I wasn’t the friend you needed for your heart. I am sorry I relied so heavily for you to validate my self-esteem and worth. I am sorry I ripped up your sacred contract and mine. I didn’t know it was possible for us to become our declarations as phenomenal human beings. I am sorry I was an inadequate partner who lost her patience and disrespected you. I am sorry for all the hateful thoughts I had about you that were fatal. I am sorry for rubbing in your face that I was best thing that happened to you. I am sorry for my entitled attitude and thinking less of you as a human. I am sorry I judged your character and insulted your aging. I am sorry I looked down upon you and gave up on you. I am sorry I threw things at you and yelled at you. I am sorry for shaming you to other people. I am sorry we are apart. I am sorry I broke my word to be with you forever.
March 11, 2021 06:39 pm