Beloved, I'm sorry for wanting so much from you at times & for not allowing you to be yourself & do things at your own pace. I can't help but feel that I'm the reason you're so overwhelmed & anxious. I don't know how to help you, but I'm trying to be present & keep my heart open.
Dear Mom and Dad, I am sorry I did not return "home" to after my husband died. That I didn't offer to care for you in your later years. I am so appreciative of your giving me life. I love you.
Dear Dad, I am sorry that you passed away without ever feeling a hug from me, and more so, I am sorry that I never reached out for a hug from you. I am sorry that I was waiting for you to bridge the gap that formed between us and never took action. I am sorry that you suffered so terribly for the two years before your death. I am sorry that I kept turning away from you. I am sorry that the resentment I harboured for your fathering got in the way of my love for you. I am sorry I never got a chance to talk to you; I mean, really talk to you. I am sorry, Dad, that you had a hard life growing up as a child and that I could not find the empathy and acceptance that you did the best you could. I am sorry that you are gone.
To my children - I am so sorry this pandemic has turned me into such a horrible mother. I'm sorry that I don't know how to adequately balance the stressors in my life and take it out on you. I'm sorry I snap at you, yell at you, get frustrated by you, and in the moment, I can't see you for the beautiful, creative, inquisitive children that you are. I'm sorry I'm so exhausted that the answer is always "no, not right now" ...and later never comes. I'm sorry for every groan and sigh I make when I hear you call my name, ask for help, or ask for a snack. I'm just so very sorry. I am most sorry for the yelling...I'm sorry I let the chaos around me create chaos inside me. I'm sorry I shut you down with "mommy's working right now" each time you try to engage with me. I am frustrated, embarrassed, and sorry that I can't help you with your second-grade math assignments while we are stuck in distance learning. I'm sorry for it all- the frozen meals we eat most nights because I'm too tired to cook, all my anxiety spilling out of me and onto you, the blame I place on you for things outside of your control, and that when I have a rare moment of downtime, I'd rather zone out on my phone than spend time playing with you. I'm sorry that I let pride stand in my way of accepting help from my mother-in-law because I don't want to look like a failure when I very much need the help. Girls, I love you so very much and my heart breaks nightly when I think back on all the ways I could have been a more patient, loving mother to you both.
Dear Mom, You have been gone for 12 years and i
I am sorry, for running away from our marriage and our bond. I am sorry I didn't see that I was afraid, that I was running, that I was in survival mode and that I projected that on you and our relationship. I am sorry I doubted your love for me, because I couldn't love myself enough. I am sorry I told you, you were not doing anything and blaming you for my running. I am sorry I betrayed both you and me, by doing so. I am sorry I lost you, sorry for my own heart, that I denied love by running away from our marriage. I am sorry I didn't trust you. I am sorry I created just that, which I never wanted for our son. I am sorry I hurt you, by running into the arms of a woman, and telling you I finally found love. I am sorry, I hurt you. I love you. I love our son. I love the wounded inner child in me. And I love the adult me, that sees what she has done. I am sorry I undervalued myself, all this time. I am sorry I sabotaged my life and love, by not believing I was worthy. I am sorry I had to loose so much, before I could see that. I am sorry I fought you and myself, because I believed I wasn't worthy of partnership. I seek forgiveness. Of you. But most of all, of myself. Of God. I love you.
To my dearest lover who I resisted leaving in his mental illness and addiction. I am sorry I didn’t have anymore energy within to stand by you and help you in the way you needed. I am sorry that you felt the weight of the world and unsupported by me. I am sorry I didn’t have the financial means to give back to you like you did for me. I am sorry I blamed you for people taking advantage of your giving nature. I am sorry I didn’t understand what was inside you and the grief you have carried throughout this lifetime. I am sorry I abandoned you and didn’t have the tools to support you in healing yourself. I am very sorry for the belittling remarks I made to you in order to make you feel inferior. I am sorry I hurt your son and tried to pit you against him. I am sorry for pressuring you to be with me and divorce your wife at the time. I am sorry for my selfishness and misspeaking about things I wasn’t sure were factual. I am sorry for criticizing your mother or your father. I am sorry I wasn’t the friend you needed for your heart. I am sorry I relied so heavily for you to validate my self-esteem and worth. I am sorry I ripped up your sacred contract and mine. I didn’t know it was possible for us to become our declarations as phenomenal human beings. I am sorry I was an inadequate partner who lost her patience and disrespected you. I am sorry for all the hateful thoughts I had about you that were fatal. I am sorry for rubbing in your face that I was best thing that happened to you. I am sorry for my entitled attitude and thinking less of you as a human. I am sorry I judged your character and insulted your aging. I am sorry I looked down upon you and gave up on you. I am sorry I threw things at you and yelled at you. I am sorry for shaming you to other people. I am sorry we are apart. I am sorry I broke my word to be with you forever.
Deeply sad, please help
I'm so sorry to my sister for the way I treated you when we were children. I was cruel to you, taking out my aggression and my fear. Our parents sent me to therapy to help with my aggression, but still I persisted in treating you as an annoyance at best until I left our home. I know I was a child, and I forgive the child in me who was so lost and confused. But still...I am sorry to you. You did not deserve that. I also have not always treated you with kindness as adults. When we became close I had "goals" for you and our relationship in my mind, and have seen you through the prism of my stories about you. I didn't always listen when you needed me to listen. Now we are estranged and I see more clearly how I have contributed to this hurt and distance. I am sorry to you, I am sorry to myself. I love you. I love us.
I am sorry for having hated myself for so much of my life. I am sorry for attacking and disconnecting from my parents. I am sorry for having disconnected from my ex partner. I am sorry for all the hateful, ignorant, bigoted things I’ve said or believed. I’m sorry for every time i ever took delight in someone else’s suffering. I’m sorry to every person i pushed away and disconnected from. I’m sorry for having punished anyone who tried to love me. I’m sorry for having turned my back on god.
I am sorry. When I was younger, I was babysitting three children and they were wrestling with me. I was aroused by the energy of touch and play. I had an erection while they were wrestling with me. The boy climbed on top of me while I was sitting in the chair and I took him off of me. I touched him in the butthole while I was moving him. I didn't feel in control and I felt awful afterwards. I felt ashamed. Afterwords, I felt like I would never be able to forgive myself. When I am quiet sometimes I think of this moment and I have connected to his spirit. He is still alive and will live a good life I'm sure. His spirit says to me to forgive myself. That he forgave me. To me this feels like I coulden't speak it outloud because it is so terrible. I don't feel like I was in control of myself. I felt overwhelmed. I am so sorry for any pain or confusion I caused. And I love myself and the younger me who felt out of control and overwhelmed. I love him with this confusion. I love you I'm sorry please forgive me thank you. May I release this weight and may I live a life in service of others.
I am deeply sorry for lying. I still carry some hurt from the betrayals, even though, intellectually I know we were different people at that time. And, even though you apologized and I forgave you, there is still hurt in my heart, there is fear. You were the only person I really ever trusted, the only one to whom I told secrets, who knew the most vulnerable part of my being. I have learned patterns of protection (anger, defensiveness, judgement, contempt) for my heart, like an army of soldiers ready to fire and keep any suspected danger at bay. And, fire they do....I'm so sorry for the hurtful words and actions that crushed you at the core. I have never felt so much anger for so long. It would have been incredibly helpful if you could have said the things and done the things I needed you to say or do, when I needed you to. And, to have set and respected appropriate boundaries. But, I couldn't be honest with you, or we with each other at the time. I know once you really realized the impact of your actions (abandoning me and risking the well-being of our families), you were so deeply ashamed and pained. But, by then I had started to get in touch with my anger, and then I begin to feed it, to indulge it. Especially, when it didn't seem like the appropriate boundaries had been set with the AP to protect our relationship. I have never felt so much rage. I had worked through the childhood trauma and released limiting beliefs, but I had repressed so much anger at myself and my parents that your betrayal with a family friend and then continuing to breach boundaries, just pushed that anger into rage. I made you pay with painful heart-breaking words...and I am so sorry. You didn't deserve that. We were both traumatized by the betrayal. We both contributed to the conditions that arose for the betrayal. I am sorry for the years of not being that best friend that I promised to be. I'm sorry for not begin able to trust you again, even though I said I did. I am so sorry for perpetuating the same story of hurt and anger, even when we had untangled so many painful knots and our relationship had grown tender and sweet. I am so sorry that I have had difficulty in forgiving her, which has kept the army around my heart on guard. Like us, she is just a human with causes and conditions that led to the betrayal. I deeply apologize to my own vulnerable self for being hard on myself for not being able to let go of my anger. I wish the AP, to whom I had opened my home and heart, could have reached out to reconcile...to say I'm sorry for causing so much pain and heartache, but she didn't and that hurt so so much. I didn't realize how hard whole-hearted forgiveness could be without reconciliation. But, I am ready with my whole heart to forgive her, even without it. I let go of the fear that boundaries will not be respected. I let go of my anger and ill will. I let go of the ego's insecurities and need for righteousness. I relieve the army of its duties. I give myself permission drop this burden that closes my heart. I forgive myself for holding on to it for so long. I am free to move forward with my whole tender loving heart. May all beings be well, happy, and peaceful.
I apologize to myself when in a moment of crisis I did not give myself the option of time to think but instead made a rash decision that hurt everyone including myself.
Asking forgiveness of the world
I apologize to my brother for all the resentment I hold toward him because he did not assist me with the soul crushing care of my 92 year old mom in her journey with dementia.I am sorry that I am not better able to release my bitterness at losing so much of myself to this task.
I am sorry I have not achieved forgiveness sufficient to allow me to show up for our relationship, Mom. I understand your personality disorders, and I can forgive you for your shortcomings in mothering. But, as hard as I've been trying for these last 7 years, I cannot, as much as I truly do want to, seem to forgive you for your last rounds of betrayal that traumatized me so severely and destroyed my relationships with my only immediate family who remain on this earth. I sincerely do want to be in active relationship with you, because you may not be of this earth for very much longer. I'm sorry I cannot find the forgiveness our relationship needs in order to begin to heal; I'm sorry I cannot find it in myself to convince myself that I would be safe to interact with you. I wish you health and comfort. Your only remaining daughter.
I am sorry I stole your husband from you. You left the door open for me to come in by living apart from him for 10 years and by your dependence on alcohol. Now he is ill and at the end of life, I can tell you this. He always loved you and loves you still. More than me, I hate to admit that myself and certainly not to you. Please forgive me.
sending Foregiveness. And thank you Stephen, Ondrea, and Ram for your help.
I forgive myself for "putting my dog to sleep" while he was a healthy animal. I forgive those friends who supported my decision. I cannot recall why the dog's behavior seemed to merit this drastic and selfish solution. He loved me and trusted me and I let him down. I am so sorry. I am grateful for the years we had together and will remember him with deep love forever.
I apologize to my yoni and my inner child. When I was 17 I had a surgery called a labiaplasty to permanently alter my labia because I was so uncomfortable with how my body looked. I felt this was the only way to become acceptable, sexually active and ultimately loveable. I have grown so much from that sad isolated child and I apologize for sometimes hating her and the decision she made (that I would not make now). I apologize for abandoning my yoni. Cutting her and subsequently making her endure sexual situations she did not enjoy. I am so so sorry. I am still learning to love you, some days it is hard to see past the shame of the decisions I have made and some days I feel warm with hope. I apologize to my most holy tender part of myself becoming another data point in the statistics that show the rapidly rising popularity of this surgery. I am so deeply sorry to any woman younger than me that felt that statistic legitimized her decision to have the surgery. I apologize for keeping this part of my story a secret for too long and thus letting the shame consume me. I have been shown the incredible healing benefits of entrusting this story to kind-hearted people. And that is what I am doing now - thank you to whoever witnesses this, I love you