I apologise to my mother for thinking daily about killing myself. I apologise to all the ones who love me for all my rage, my envy, my hatred. I dishonour and hurt and push away everyone, every single day. I apologise to my precious inner child for not being able to heal her. I apologise to life for being so overwhelmed by it. I just can't handle it. I never could. I am nothing but a walking wound. I apologise to God for my brokenness. I am so sorry.
I am sorry that I have lost myself. I think of the happy, creative, always dancing and handstanding little girl that I once was, and I don't know what happened to her. I am sorry that I kissed my sister several times when I was 12 and you were only 6. This was sexual on my part. I wish that I hadn't done that. I know that you remember and feel that i am the favorite in our parents' eyes and that you grew up to have abortions, break the law and cause pain and worry to our family. I am a coward who has not apologised or admit my actions and this causes me guilt and pain. I am ashamed of my actions when I was a child and also of my lack of courage now in discussing it with you or our parents. I wish that our parents had sensed what was happening and intervened. I am sorry to the girls at school when I was a teenager who I spoke harshly to and tried to pick fights with. My parents were getting divorced, I was lost but I didn't know it. I didn't know who I was and was trying a 'tough girl' persona. I am sorry to my beautiful children that I cannot control my temper. I have slapped you, and spoken in anger to you many times. I feel like I fail you every day. I want to do better. You deserve better. I feel fear that you will look back at your childhood without love for me. I am sorry that I am unable to be authentic with others. Sometimes when I feel low in mood I cancel plans made with friends. I feel that I need to present my best self to others or else they won't accept me for who I am. I am sorry that my jealousy and competitive nature stops me from forming real and true friendships.
I am so sorry that I could never be the child you had hoped for; the student you had set me up as; the attendant you were training me to be. I am truly sorry for the disappointment I have caused and as I allow myself to feel the sadness that has lain buried for so long, I know that all will be well ... x
Dear T. I may never meet you again in this life. But you come up often in my dreams. I am deeply regretful of the way I treated you and many others when we were in school together. We used to be good friends. I can't explain how come I could not enjoy our friendship but rather destroy it with my mean behaviour. As an adult, looking back, I know it was out of envy and many bad feelings about myself. I know I caused harm to you, and many others, with my bullying. As an adult, I try to forgive myself - the child and teenager I was. I may never see you more in this life, I pray you have forgiveness in your heart for people like myself. May you have a truly good life with great blessings. One day I will be able to let go of all the guilt I feel, and it is not because I do not care about all the mean things I did and said to and about you, it is because I also realize if I cannot open up and forgive myself and let go, I may never be able to heal and then maybe do the same injury again and again. I still hurt my loved ones sometimes, but I really don't mean to. Living with a closed heart and mind can cause so much pain to others. I don't want that to happen ever again. Dear T: Unnskyld.
I apologize to myself, to all the Beauty and Love that I am for believing in other peoples words and projections about what I am and how I should behave. I apologize to myself for repressing my femininity, desires and my feelings. I apologize to myself for believing I was valuable only if I was strong, clever and showed no feelings. I apologize to myself for striving for spiritual perfection and disregarding my humanness. I apologize to myself for constant criticism of my thoughts, feelings and desires. I apologize to my body for not loving it. J.
Dearest S. I'm sorry. I was so young when I met you, so unaware and so full of pain. You were full of pain too and we clung to each other to keep from drowning. But we pretended we were OK and filled up our lives with Ikea furniture and two great kids. We filled up our lives with parties to keep the loneliness at bay, but eventually, the loneliness took over and we couldn't find solace even in each other-- ours was always a connection rooted in mutual pain. I'm so sorry I can't be the wife you want me to be. I'm sorry for all the pain I have caused you and I wish you all the peace and love in the world.
Beloved N, I am soo sorry you went out of your way to see me and I did something that to this point I regret, I hide, I was in a strange space and I hurt you, you have been so loving with me for so long and I failed you and I feel an ache in my heart and deep regret for losing you as a friend, I am sorry please forgive me
Dear D, I have said so many words that words are meaningless now between us. My heart really is broken. I longed so much for your love and understanding that I couldn't stop and appreciate the love and understanding you were able to offer, and now I've lost that. I had so much unresolved grief, so much pain and so much brokenness inside me and I had this unrealistic hope that somehow you could heal me. In the process I've hurt you so much, which wasn't what I wanted but I couldn't stop myself from doing it over and over again. And now I'm in this place again of loss and suffering. I am trying to be gentle, I am trying to bring some healing to my own pain and develop some compassion. I don't know if I will ever get a chance in this lifetime to have any reconciliation. It's so hard, you feel so far away and I feel there's nothing I can do except silently wish you well from my broken aching heart. Life is so difficult. Not just for me I know. If this is the most I can ever say to you then I love you, in some way underneath the brokenness there was real love and with that real love I wish you real happiness and true love in your life. x
I apologize to myself for so many years of self loathing and the ripple affect that grew with it. My ways of adjusting in the world that I was so fearful of became my only vantage point. I am sorry that I did not see you... each and every person I have loved, touched, or even not loved, and disliked. In this self focused lifestyle I lived from, I could not see and love you well enough, for I so despised my being. I'm coming along in my search for self love. I have distanced some of you from me indirectly, some directly and I am so sorry to have done anything to add to your pain and suffering. I'll love you the best I am able, and keep working on allowing my heart to stay open to you should you ever want to return or not.
I apologize for when I was young and a neighbor boy, Wayne and I accidentally killed the kittens that were born in the garage. It was the opposite of what we intended. We wanted the kittens to be healthy so we walked by ourselves all the way down Chancellor Avenue to the pet store. I think it was Wayne's idea to buy puppy vitamins for them instead of kitten vitamins so they would be big and strong. I thought something was odd about the idea, but he was a little older than me and a boy so I went along with it. We fed the vitamins to the kittens - I can't remember how we could have done that - but they all died. My father freaked out and was distraught. He took them to be buried in a pet cemetary. I got overseen in the tumult of my father's anguish. I was so ashamed that I never played with Wayne again, or maybe they forbid me to ever play with him again. Even as I write this now, for the first time - I can recognize how small I was, and how I needed the adults to be big and teach me that sometimes it is important to rely on adults who have more life experience. But instead, what I learned was that adults were volatile and overwhelmed by their emotional reactions to death.
I am sorry for not being more patient with my daughters while raising them. I am sorry for my part in the cycle we are in now, they hurt me, and I bleed emotions, and they say it is my fault that we are not close. I have recently read Jon kabot zinns book on meditation and I am meditating to stay calm when under stress and not react. I am sorry to my sister who was critical and short with me , once again I cried and was emotional and now she wants nothing to do with me although we only live a few houses apart. She says my reaction to her small misstep is overblown and she does not want to walk on egg shells around me. I am working on my emotions and trying to be calm. I get that you all think that I am too emotional and that is the problem. Living alone in this new city with no contact except hellos to neighbors and being with fellow nurses and my patients has been so nice for me. I love the peace and centereness I feel. I am sorry that I am not able to enjoy my sister and my daughters. But I also insist that I be treated with the same respect I extend to them. I am deeply sorry that I cry easily and get hurt easily by these women I love. I am sorry that being distant is the only way to be peaceful for me. I realize that while I am a good calm nurse, well liked and repected, it is the personal relationships that are what matters most and I fail miserably with them. I ask forgiveness for my shortcomings. Thank you.
Mom oh mom... how I miss you! How I miss the unconditional love you showed me even though you had never experienced it yourself. How i miss your pork fried rice burritos with tiny baby carrots..lol You were a wonderful mother who took me hiking & taught me to love & respect nature. I thank you deeply from the bottom of my heart. You were there to take care of me to the best of your ability mom. I told you to leave dad when I was 10 yrs old after I saw him beat my brother or sister out of you. Im sorry for how I looked at you and treated you after that. I looked at you like as if you did something wrong even though I told you to leave him. You showed me strength & courage. You worked long hours to take care of me. You went without new clothes & shoes so I could have $50 pants back in 1992 to show off in school. You were burdend with horrible migranes daily. You stopped smoking marijuana cause of a call to social services even though that was the only thing that helped the migranes because you were scared of me being taken away. And yet I would get so irritated that i had to be queit talking on the phone cause of your migranes. Your life was taking care of me, I was your heart & soul. You were even pronounced dead in the hospital for minutes when I was very young..that was your time to move on from this existence mom that was your time to be free of this body that caused you so much pain, but you said to the light you saw, "I'm not ready that I want the chance to raise my child til she is grown", so back into the body you came to raise me with such love & compassion which I never gave you in return. Instead I gave you lots of grief, worry & torment. I don't know why I treated you the way I did I wish ik could take it all back..I still cry every time I think of it with such a HEAVY heart even 20 years later. We agreed when I was 18 that if you truly in yourt heart wanted to leave this existence because of all the pain you were dealt with in life that I would support you in leaving this world. So when I was 19 we hiked you to the hot springs, that's the last time I was ever gonna see you, you wanted your last days to be in nature the one thing that never hurt or turned on you. I never thought I was gonna see you again but I was at peace with the thought of you not bearing the pain of life anymore. When I was young I prayed every night that you could find happiness & freedom from all the pain. Mom I gave up hope,I gave up trust when my prayers were unanswered for soooo many years. All I wanted was for you to be healed. I walked away from spirituality at that moment never to look back until a couple years ago. I got a phone call from you after a couple weeks of hiking you to the hot springs, you said you met a man who transferred his energy to you saying he was not all of this world. You fell in love with him and lived in the mountains for a few years. Your mind became controlled from this man somehow he was able to achieve this. I know for myself because I felt a glimpse of it when I visited you & him. Your health declined more n more you got sooo skinny when I would see you. It hurt me to see you like that once again my mom's life was FULL OF PAIN. I was so stuck in my own life of having a boyfriend smoking weed & being young that I was not there for you. I was so selfish to you mom. I became this me me me person something you never taught me. I thought to myself why can't I have a normal mom that's not sick all the time, just a normal mom. I did not want to grow up, I did not want to deal with your pain cause I felt I had so much pain of my own. I was even selfish with my weed when that was the only thing that helped you. I was so mad that you were not normal, that you did not have a home for me to go to if needed. All I thought about was myself after EVERYTHING you did for me. You left that guy you became homeless, I did not even have my own place for you to come which made me mad at you for becoming homeless. So many years passed by mom I just lived my life, it might not have been happy but I still went on living life while you were homeless. You would tell me the government was after you, that my boyfriend was part extraterrestrial. You would tell me you were followed. I believed things for a while, actuallly I struggled with reality for many years until I could no longer deal with you telling me these things. I wanted to live a life not be scared n worried all the time. The distance grew between us. You moved about 11 hours away and lived in a tent on the side of a mountain with bears and mountain lions for many years in the snow. You managed to survive all of this. You were such a survivor. I tried to follow your map you drew me, I could not find you. I was about to leave & asked a homeless man if he knew you, he said where you might be. I knocked on the door & there you were.I had never seen you look like that..you aged so quickly from the streets. I brought you back with me, had you stay at my boyfriend's moms garage. At times you were completely normal talking about my childhood, then hours later you were cutting what you believed were extraterrestrial microchips out of your skin with a razor blade all over your face and body. You had been to mental hospitals but they just let you go after 72 hours. You never wanted any medication & did not believe you could be mentally ill. Mom I tried to get help but honestly I DID NOT TRY HARD ENOUGH!! I COULD have tried a lot harder. I could have fought for you like you did for me. I could have done sooo much more than I didn't do. I have tried to forgive myself for making your life harder. I know you felt like no one loved you mom, you were out there all alone. I had to send you back to the mountain cause I had no where for you to go. I know we both knew in our hearts that was the last time we were ever gonna see eachother. I couldn't cope with you being sick, in reality i guess i never could. I dont know if you have left this form or if you are still out there. I just want to say if i could change the way I acted. I would change 1000 times. I can never express how sorry I am for not being there for you in your time of need. I am sorry for putting weed before you, my boyfriend before you, and my life before you. After all you did for me and I just ignorantly ignored your suffering. You were a WONDERFUL MOM & did a great job raising me. I promise I will not let youu go in vain. I know you were searching for truth, happiness, peace. I now understand cause I'm now on that path too. I wish I could spend time with you again going hiking, but I know that will forever just be a wish. So I promise you this I will find peace for the both of us, I will become the best version of myself, and I will NOT GIVE UP! I will find peace within someday. I love you mom, I know deep down you would want me to live my life to the fullest. I love you and will always miss you. Love your daughter...
I am sorry, that, as a teenager, around 15yrs, when I was babysitting, I left the baby alone, asleep in the house to go to a dance for a few hours. It would have been so simple to say that I wasn't available to babysit that night. Luckily the baby was okay. I feel so guilty and sad that I could have done that to a little innocent who was trusted to my care so many years ago. I ask forgiveness.
To Geoff, Adrian, Marti, Ivan, Dean, however I have hurt you, through my thoughts, my words, my actions I am sorry. I didn't believe I was worthy of giving and receiving love and that belief has caused so much pain. May whatever pain I caused you be transformed into something beautiful if that's possible. May you know that you all loveable and may you be able to give and receive love fully. I'm afraid but I am open to making amends in whatever way possible. I ask for your forgiveness. May I be able to forgive you all also compleely. May I be able to turn the pain and devastation caused in my own life by this belief in my own unworthiness into something beautiful and may I have compassion for all others who have this belief about themselves. Thank you Ondrea for your kindness and inspiration.
My heart hurts for the time I have hurt ppl, my dear dad, my Mahwah & my sister, boyfriends, friends,out of ignorance, being overwhelmed & I'll equipped & confusion. My heart hurts especially today, as I am still grieving the passing of my mother & just now learned of the passing of Stephen & another friend with whom I had lost touch. I have so many regrets...I often feel such sadness & pain in my heart that it literally takes my breath away. But I also have incredible gratitude for being given the gift of meeting Stephen & all the other incredible ppl who have been in my life.
I remember once you asked me "do you think you are being a martyr?" I think there is a good deal of truth to it. I think it's dead on actually...and especially now. It's hitting me now and I have to keep a focus on it in order to do the growing I need to do to see that I have been shirking my role in my own pain. It's embarrassing too. I wish I could have made these things known before, but I burnt the bridge. And who would love someone like that. But...it's always been hard for me to see myself and to understand what is underneath things for me. I'm removed from my true emotions. Anyway, I'm sorry for my role in this. I'm sorry that I blamed you for the things that I was causing and could have helped. I want to be a better person. And I want to be happy. I want you to be in a happier place too and I am glad that you were able to choose that for yourself. Take care.
I'm sorry for not loving you the way that you deserved. Each time I felt in love it was followed by a feeling of panic, emptiness, despair, and confusion. I sat in those feelings and tried to push them away, but ultimately gave into them and told you that I didn't love you. The truth is that I loved you as much as I could. The love was real, but it was stifled by my sadness and my pain. The old wounds that I haven't made space for overshadowed my love for you and made me feel empty inside, and broken. I'm sorry that I made it about you, and about my love for you. I'm sorry that I wasn't more aware when I met you, and that I didn't have the words to explain it to you. The time I spent with you was a blessing that I'm grateful for and even though I can't change things, I want you to know that I did love you.
I am sorry, my mother. You did the best you could in an impossible situation: multiple miscarriages, an abusive husband, a crippled child. it was not your fault you could not give me what I needed. You couldn't give me what you didn't have, and you'd never had unconditional love. You were ashamed of me, you were disappointed, you felt guilty and powerless, and still you cared for me as best you could. And now I'm 68, and you are 90, in a home for Alzheimer's patients, and we are many miles part. I have not been in touch with you for over 2 years. The last time we talked you didn't remember who I was, and the conversation caused you distress. I don't want to distress you so I stay away, but I think of you often and I wish for you gentle peace, free of pain. I'm sorry I was such trouble for you, it was not my fault nor yours. I hold you in my heart.
I'm sorry for any hurt I have caused you. I did not know and still do not know what you need, how you tick, how you hurt. Addiction is a frightful thing. I can see that, the pain must be so so hard, the need to escape desperate and overwhelming. I am truly sorry that as a sister and as part of a family we just did not know what to do. It's certainly hard to have compassion when you are angry. That's what happened for me. I was and still am angry at you and I know we don't have the connection to be able to talk about this. I do feel sorry. So sorry that your life has been so painful. Very truly sorry that I don't have the capacity to be there for you. You see I am full of that hurt too. I am sorry this is how it is.
I apologize to all the people in my life who have tried to get close to me, or to spend time with me. I'm sorry for pushing you all out while I hid in my hole, numbing out the pain. I'm sorry for resenting you all for being happy when I felt so angry. And I'm sorry for depriving myself of love.