Mom oh mom... how I miss you! How I miss the unconditional love you showed me even though you had never experienced it yourself. How i miss your pork fried rice burritos with tiny baby carrots..lol You were a wonderful mother who took me hiking & taught me to love & respect nature. I thank you deeply from the bottom of my heart. You were there to take care of me to the best of your ability mom. I told you to leave dad when I was 10 yrs old after I saw him beat my brother or sister out of you. Im sorry for how I looked at you and treated you after that. I looked at you like as if you did something wrong even though I told you to leave him. You showed me strength & courage. You worked long hours to take care of me. You went without new clothes & shoes so I could have $50 pants back in 1992 to show off in school. You were burdend with horrible migranes daily. You stopped smoking marijuana cause of a call to social services even though that was the only thing that helped the migranes because you were scared of me being taken away. And yet I would get so irritated that i had to be queit talking on the phone cause of your migranes. Your life was taking care of me, I was your heart & soul. You were even pronounced dead in the hospital for minutes when I was very young..that was your time to move on from this existence mom that was your time to be free of this body that caused you so much pain, but you said to the light you saw, "I'm not ready that I want the chance to raise my child til she is grown", so back into the body you came to raise me with such love & compassion which I never gave you in return. Instead I gave you lots of grief, worry & torment. I don't know why I treated you the way I did I wish ik could take it all back..I still cry every time I think of it with such a HEAVY heart even 20 years later. We agreed when I was 18 that if you truly in yourt heart wanted to leave this existence because of all the pain you were dealt with in life that I would support you in leaving this world. So when I was 19 we hiked you to the hot springs, that's the last time I was ever gonna see you, you wanted your last days to be in nature the one thing that never hurt or turned on you. I never thought I was gonna see you again but I was at peace with the thought of you not bearing the pain of life anymore. When I was young I prayed every night that you could find happiness & freedom from all the pain. Mom I gave up hope,I gave up trust when my prayers were unanswered for soooo many years. All I wanted was for you to be healed. I walked away from spirituality at that moment never to look back until a couple years ago. I got a phone call from you after a couple weeks of hiking you to the hot springs, you said you met a man who transferred his energy to you saying he was not all of this world. You fell in love with him and lived in the mountains for a few years. Your mind became controlled from this man somehow he was able to achieve this. I know for myself because I felt a glimpse of it when I visited you & him. Your health declined more n more you got sooo skinny when I would see you. It hurt me to see you like that once again my mom's life was FULL OF PAIN. I was so stuck in my own life of having a boyfriend smoking weed & being young that I was not there for you. I was so selfish to you mom. I became this me me me person something you never taught me. I thought to myself why can't I have a normal mom that's not sick all the time, just a normal mom. I did not want to grow up, I did not want to deal with your pain cause I felt I had so much pain of my own. I was even selfish with my weed when that was the only thing that helped you. I was so mad that you were not normal, that you did not have a home for me to go to if needed. All I thought about was myself after EVERYTHING you did for me. You left that guy you became homeless, I did not even have my own place for you to come which made me mad at you for becoming homeless. So many years passed by mom I just lived my life, it might not have been happy but I still went on living life while you were homeless. You would tell me the government was after you, that my boyfriend was part extraterrestrial. You would tell me you were followed. I believed things for a while, actuallly I struggled with reality for many years until I could no longer deal with you telling me these things. I wanted to live a life not be scared n worried all the time. The distance grew between us. You moved about 11 hours away and lived in a tent on the side of a mountain with bears and mountain lions for many years in the snow. You managed to survive all of this. You were such a survivor. I tried to follow your map you drew me, I could not find you. I was about to leave & asked a homeless man if he knew you, he said where you might be. I knocked on the door & there you were.I had never seen you look like that..you aged so quickly from the streets. I brought you back with me, had you stay at my boyfriend's moms garage. At times you were completely normal talking about my childhood, then hours later you were cutting what you believed were extraterrestrial microchips out of your skin with a razor blade all over your face and body. You had been to mental hospitals but they just let you go after 72 hours. You never wanted any medication & did not believe you could be mentally ill. Mom I tried to get help but honestly I DID NOT TRY HARD ENOUGH!! I COULD have tried a lot harder. I could have fought for you like you did for me. I could have done sooo much more than I didn't do. I have tried to forgive myself for making your life harder. I know you felt like no one loved you mom, you were out there all alone. I had to send you back to the mountain cause I had no where for you to go. I know we both knew in our hearts that was the last time we were ever gonna see eachother. I couldn't cope with you being sick, in reality i guess i never could. I dont know if you have left this form or if you are still out there. I just want to say if i could change the way I acted. I would change 1000 times. I can never express how sorry I am for not being there for you in your time of need. I am sorry for putting weed before you, my boyfriend before you, and my life before you. After all you did for me and I just ignorantly ignored your suffering. You were a WONDERFUL MOM & did a great job raising me. I promise I will not let youu go in vain. I know you were searching for truth, happiness, peace. I now understand cause I'm now on that path too. I wish I could spend time with you again going hiking, but I know that will forever just be a wish. So I promise you this I will find peace for the both of us, I will become the best version of myself, and I will NOT GIVE UP! I will find peace within someday. I love you mom, I know deep down you would want me to live my life to the fullest. I love you and will always miss you. Love your daughter...

I am sorry, that, as a teenager, around 15yrs, when I was babysitting, I left the baby alone, asleep in the house to go to a dance for a few hours. It would have been so simple to say that I wasn't available to babysit that night. Luckily the baby was okay. I feel so guilty and sad that I could have done that to a little innocent who was trusted to my care so many years ago. I ask forgiveness.

To Geoff, Adrian, Marti, Ivan, Dean, however I have hurt you, through my thoughts, my words, my actions I am sorry. I didn't believe I was worthy of giving and receiving love and that belief has caused so much pain. May whatever pain I caused you be transformed into something beautiful if that's possible. May you know that you all loveable and may you be able to give and receive love fully. I'm afraid but I am open to making amends in whatever way possible. I ask for your forgiveness. May I be able to forgive you all also compleely. May I be able to turn the pain and devastation caused in my own life by this belief in my own unworthiness into something beautiful and may I have compassion for all others who have this belief about themselves. Thank you Ondrea for your kindness and inspiration.

My heart hurts for the time I have hurt ppl, my dear dad, my Mahwah & my sister, boyfriends, friends,out of ignorance, being overwhelmed & I'll equipped & confusion. My heart hurts especially today, as I am still grieving the passing of my mother & just now learned of the passing of Stephen & another friend with whom I had lost touch. I have so many regrets...I often feel such sadness & pain in my heart that it literally takes my breath away. But I also have incredible gratitude for being given the gift of meeting Stephen & all the other incredible ppl who have been in my life.

I remember once you asked me "do you think you are being a martyr?" I think there is a good deal of truth to it. I think it's dead on actually...and especially now. It's hitting me now and I have to keep a focus on it in order to do the growing I need to do to see that I have been shirking my role in my own pain. It's embarrassing too. I wish I could have made these things known before, but I burnt the bridge. And who would love someone like that. But...it's always been hard for me to see myself and to understand what is underneath things for me. I'm removed from my true emotions. Anyway, I'm sorry for my role in this. I'm sorry that I blamed you for the things that I was causing and could have helped. I want to be a better person. And I want to be happy. I want you to be in a happier place too and I am glad that you were able to choose that for yourself. Take care.

I'm sorry for not loving you the way that you deserved. Each time I felt in love it was followed by a feeling of panic, emptiness, despair, and confusion. I sat in those feelings and tried to push them away, but ultimately gave into them and told you that I didn't love you. The truth is that I loved you as much as I could. The love was real, but it was stifled by my sadness and my pain. The old wounds that I haven't made space for overshadowed my love for you and made me feel empty inside, and broken. I'm sorry that I made it about you, and about my love for you. I'm sorry that I wasn't more aware when I met you, and that I didn't have the words to explain it to you. The time I spent with you was a blessing that I'm grateful for and even though I can't change things, I want you to know that I did love you.

I am sorry, my mother. You did the best you could in an impossible situation: multiple miscarriages, an abusive husband, a crippled child. it was not your fault you could not give me what I needed. You couldn't give me what you didn't have, and you'd never had unconditional love. You were ashamed of me, you were disappointed, you felt guilty and powerless, and still you cared for me as best you could. And now I'm 68, and you are 90, in a home for Alzheimer's patients, and we are many miles part. I have not been in touch with you for over 2 years. The last time we talked you didn't remember who I was, and the conversation caused you distress. I don't want to distress you so I stay away, but I think of you often and I wish for you gentle peace, free of pain. I'm sorry I was such trouble for you, it was not my fault nor yours. I hold you in my heart.

I'm sorry for any hurt I have caused you. I did not know and still do not know what you need, how you tick, how you hurt. Addiction is a frightful thing. I can see that, the pain must be so so hard, the need to escape desperate and overwhelming. I am truly sorry that as a sister and as part of a family we just did not know what to do. It's certainly hard to have compassion when you are angry. That's what happened for me. I was and still am angry at you and I know we don't have the connection to be able to talk about this. I do feel sorry. So sorry that your life has been so painful. Very truly sorry that I don't have the capacity to be there for you. You see I am full of that hurt too. I am sorry this is how it is.

I apologize to all the people in my life who have tried to get close to me, or to spend time with me. I'm sorry for pushing you all out while I hid in my hole, numbing out the pain. I'm sorry for resenting you all for being happy when I felt so angry. And I'm sorry for depriving myself of love.

What a teacher you have been in my lifetime? And oh how I have resisted awakening. Surely we chose to suffer together somehow...for the sake of the holy experience of living life in its messyness and beautiful agony. Surely tomorrow, I will be back asleep tomorrow and creating suffering for myself again, feeling alone and seeing you as my reason. I am sorry dearest teacher and beloved. May you find the deepest peace in this lifetime. May you reach your highest desires. May you be free forever.

Dad, I wish to apologize for anything I did that hurt you. Our relationship was rocky from my early teen years until you death at age 80. I tried many ways to get closer to you, but never found the key to your heart. I wish it had been successful because I really did/do love you. All I ever wanted was your approval and it never came. I am sorry I disappointed you in choosing to live my life in a way you did not understand or approve of. I failed to make you see that I was happy and still am. I realized after much prayer and meditation, you suffered so much loss in your life that it affected you in profound ways. Losing both parents before age 13, losing your wife at age 48 and being left with six children at home, these could not have been easy. You came from "the Greatest Generation", whose men were taught to hide their emotions. All that loss, and no outlet could not be healthy. I still think of you often and wish we could have connected better on this plane. That was not to be. Please forgive me , Dad, and know that I really love you. Your eldest child and loving daughter.

I am sorry that I created pain and anger for you. I felt abandoned. I still do. I can't shake it and I don't know if I will and I keep behaving in ways trying to tolerate it. Maybe it's about my previous experiences, or at least the intensity of this experience comes from previous experiences and I wish I were able to let you off the hook easier and let go. I am trying to understand that "my only true belongings are the consequences of my actions". I am just haunted daily by what happened between us and that resolution never came. It is also painful that the hope of us never came. I'm stuck in a well of sadness, fatigue, and isolation. I will get out eventually and be moving on, as life does. It's just hard to believe that this experience had no purpose, and no sense-making. I'm sorry I wasn't my best for you. I hope you know you are loved, admired and desired. Be well.

When we met it was so beautiful at first, I felt a connection that was so special, like literally meeting my other half, in a way I never really have before. But little by little I became greedy with you and all of my neurosis started coming out, and even though you tried your best to stay I still treated you so badly, mainly because I wasn't able to let go and focus on what was best for you. There's no point blaming now, in a way I know it wasn't either of us fault, we both wanted to be happy but we were both complicated. But for what it's worth I am so sorry for the pain I caused you from my confusion. I am trying to be gentle and brave with myself and have kindness for myself in this situation because I couldn't help who I am and I struggled so much. I want that kindness to then touch you and who you are, the parts of you that caused me so much pain. I hope we can forgive each other, I see that it's possible for something beautiful to come from our car crash still, maybe not quite what I was hoping for, but something that's open to grace

The truth is that I don't even really think of you that much. After what I did, betraying you, failing my responsibilities and then blaming you, I am not reminded of it often and it sits with you unresolved, confusing, totally demoralized. I know this and I really just want you and it to go away so I can go on with my life. but it was my behavior and my responsibility...to keep you safe, to handle it, to take responsibility for it. I just didn't want to and I didn't. I am sorry that you have to hold and carry it for me. If you didn't I wouldn't be able to forget about it and live carefree as I do. I should have and still should ask for help but I am too scared. I am just sorry and this is the best I can do.

I am sorry Mom. Sorry I do not have the strength to stay close. Sorry my heart has been hard and unforgiving. I am sorry that I see your pain and must act to protect my own self, my own boundaries, from Dad. I'm sorry I am not completely cgood. I am sorry for lying. Exaggerating. Hiding. I am sorry for not always having the courage to speak my truth; to have my outsides match my insides. For this, I am sorry to my self. For repeated daily betrayals, driven by fear and smallness. Fear you will leave me. When I've already left myself. I'm sorry for not even wanting to connect with myself because I'm scared to know what I will find. I'm sorry for being so harsh inside. Cruel with high standards. Which seep onto all those close to me. I'm sorry for giving up. I'm sorry for my vast sense of self-importance and blindness to my surroundings.

I am sorry for not seeing people as they are. I am sorry for not accepting them just as they are, I am sorry that I have been looking for imperfeçtion in people around me and aimed at fixing it. I am sorry that I have done the same to myself or mostly to myself. I never have seen the greatness in me, and looked for the imperfection to fix, I have never accepted any compliment and not given any sincere complement either as i have not considered myself or anyone else for that matter, a worthy one. I had assumed if I am not perfect, all the compliments are just statemnet to help the compliment giver taking advantage of me. I apologize to myself, I am sorry and will let it go

I am sorry for not seeing people as they are. I am sorry for not accepting them just as they are, I am sorry that I have been looking for imperfeçtion in people around me and aimed at fixing it. I am sorry that I have done the same to myself or mostly to myself. I never have seen the greatness in me, and looked for the imperfection to fix, I have never accepted any compliment and not given any sincere complement either as i have not considered myself or anyone else for that matter, a worthy one. I had assumed if I am not perfect, all the compliments are just statemnet to help the compliment giver taking advantage of me. I apologize to myself, I am sorry and will let it go

I am sorry I hold resentment toward D for choosing to stay away from me. I am sorry I have called my mother by her first name when I know it really hurts her. I am sorry I lose my patience with her. I am sorry I lose sight of how fortunate I am. I am sorry I waste time escaping by binge watching. I am sorry to myself for hiding and being so ashamed of my bipolar diagnosis. I am sorry that I have scared my loved ones when I have been manic. I am sorry for not being able to connect with my loved ones when i am depressed. I am sorry for judging my loved ones for not being able to support me when I am not well. I am sorry that I don't feel completely sincere in my apologies. I am sorry for holding on to my hurt. I am sorry for getting so mad at the waiter last night. I am sorry I have not given as much to my grandmother as she has given to me. I am sorry when I give up. I am sorry I don't allow myself to be who I am. I am sorry when I don't take care of myself. I am sorry for not knocking on my brother's door that one time when we were teenagers and embarrassing us both. I am sorry for risking the chance to have children.

I apologize for being s difficult person. I apologize for the many times I've caused other people pain.

I am so sorry beloved mother that I was not a better daughter to you during your life and am filled with sorrow that I did not support you in a more loving way during your passing.